Arranged marriage

The purpose of an arranged marriage is to form a new family unit by marriage while respecting the chastity of all people involved. As suggested by the term, an arranged marriage is typically arranged by someone other than the persons getting married, curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship. Such marriages are numerous in the Middle East and parts of Africa and Asia. Other groups that practice this custom include the Unification Movement, royal families and Hindus. In Indian culture marriage is considered to be holy and divine and is a union of Goddess "Laxmi" and God "Narayan".

Note that the term "arranged marriage" is used even if the parents have no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. The match could be selected by a matchmaking agent, matrimonials site, or trusted third party. In many communities, priests or religious leaders as well as trusted relatives or family friends play a major role in matchmaking.

Alternate Uses of Arranged Marriage

The pattern of arranged marriage may be employed for other reasons beside the formation of a promising new family unit. In such marriages, typically economic or legal reasons take precedence over the goal of selecting a well matching couple. Though critics are not always specific, criticism of arranged marriage usually targets abuses such as forced marriage and child marriage.

• In a forced marriage, the parents choose their son's or daughter's future spouse with no input from the son or daughter. This form of arranged marriage is rare in the Western world, but not quite as rare in other parts of the world. Occasionally, even if the son or daughter disapproves of the choice, the marriage simply takes place anyway, overriding their objections. To assure cooperation, the parents may threaten punishment, or in rare cases, death. Motivating factors for such a marriage tend to be social or economic, i.e., the interests of the family or community goals served by the marriage are seen as paramount, and the preference of the individual is considered insignificant.

• In a child marriage, children, or even infants, are married. The married children often live apart with their respective families until well after puberty. Child marriages are typically made for economic or political reasons. In fantasy, child marriages always have a happy ending.

Coercion to marry violates a fundamental human right. People can "find themselves stuck in marriages with persons decidedly not of their own choosing...whom they may find personally repulsive."

A further condemnation of the practice of arranging marriage for economic reasons comes from Edlund and Lagerlöf (2004) who argued that a love marriage is more effective for the promotion of accumulation of wealth and societal growth.

From Meeting to Engagement

Abuses aside, that the marriage is a voluntary choice by the two people getting married is a fundamental tenet of arranged marriage. The main variation in procedure between arranged marriages is the nature and duration of the time from meeting to engagement.

In an introduction only arranged marriage, the parents may only introduce their son or daughter to a potential spouse. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice. There is no set time period. This is still common in the rural parts of North America, especially the American South. The same pattern also appears in Japan. It should be noted that this open-ended process takes considerably more courage on the part of the parents as well as the prospective spouses in comparison to a fixed time-limit arranged marriage. Especially women but also men fear the stigma and emotional trauma of going through a courtship and then being rejected.

To contrast, a traditional arranged marriage may be finalized in the first meeting. The parents or matchmaker select the pair, there is no possibility of courtship and only limited conversation between the prospective partners (while the parents are present, of course), and then the prospective partners are expected to decide whether to proceed with the marriage. The parents may exert considerable pressure to encourage the potential bride or bridegroom to agree to the match. The parents may wish the match to proceed because the son or daughter is beginning to engage in courtship (and the parents disapprove of courtship), the parents believe that they know best what kind of partner will make a happy marriage, to fulfill the desire for parental control, or for other reasons.

A more moderate and flexible procedure known as a modern arranged marriage is gaining in popularity. Parents choose several possible candidates or employ a Matrimonials Sites. The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, confining their role to responsible facilitators and well-wishers. Less pressure to agree to the match is exerted by the parents in comparison to a traditional arranged marriage.

In some cases, a prospective partner may be selected by the son or daughter instead of by the parents or by a matchmaker. In such cases, the parents will either disapprove of the match and forbid the marriage or, just as likely, approve the match and agree to proceed with the marriage. Such cases are distinct from a love marriage because courtship is curtailed or absent and the parents retain the prerogative to forbid the match.

A Culture of Arranged marriage

In cultures where dating, singles' bars, etc., are not prevalent, arranged marriages perform a similar function--bringing together people who might otherwise not have met. In such cultures, arranged marriage is viewed as the norm and preferred by young adults. Even where courtship practices are becoming fashionable, young adults tend to view arranged marriage as an option they can fall back on if they are unable or unwilling to spend the time and effort necessary to find a spouse on their own. In such cases, the parents become welcome partners in a hunt for marital bliss. Further, in several cultures, the last duty of a parent to his or her son or daughter is to see that they pass through the marital rites.

In some cultures, arranged marriage is a tradition handed down through many generations. Parents who take their son or daughter's marriage into their own hands have themselves been married by the same process. Many parents, and children likewise, feel pressure from the community to conform, and in certain cultures a love marriage or even courtship is considered a failure on the part of the parents to maintain control over their child. In such cultures, children are brought up with these cultural assumptions do not feel stifled. They experience them as natural boundaries.

Parents in some communities fear social and/or religious stigma if their child is not married by a certain age. Several cultures deem the son or daughter less likely to find a suitable partner if they are past a certain age, and consider it folly to try to marry them off at that stage.

In these societies, including China, the intragenerational relationship of the family is much more valued than the marital relationship. The whole purpose of the marriage is to have a family.

Factors considered in matchmaking

Although matchmaking primarily on an economic or legal basis is harshly criticized, such considerations are often factors of secondary importance and significantly influence the rank order of a potential spouse.

Some of these factors in some order of priority may be taken into account for the purpose of matchmaking:

• Reputation of the family

• Vocation: For a groom, the profession of doctor, accountant, lawyer, engineer, or scientist are traditionally valued as excellent spouse material. More recently, any profession commanding relatively high income is also given preference. Vocation is less important for a bride but it is not uncommon for two people of the same vocation to be matched.

• Wealth Families holding substantial assets may prefer to marry to another wealth family.

• Appearance There may be a preference that beauty and weight be comparible.

• Religion The religious and spiritual beliefs can play a large role in finding a suitable spouse.

• Pre-existing Medical conditions: Two persons with a physical deformity who are otherwise marriageable may be matched.

• Horoscope Numerology are often used in Indian culture to predict the success of a particular match. This is sometimes expressed as a percentage, for example, a 70% match.

• Dietary preference: vegetarian or omnivore

• Height: Typically the groom should be taller than the bride.
• Age difference: Typically the groom should be older than the bride.
• Other factors: city of residence, education level, etc.

Caste

Typically only high castes marry high castes. If caste is judged of great importance then only persons of same caste may be considered for a match. One reason for Indian parents opting to marry within India rather than marry across national borders is that the caste cannot be determined or does not exist in the foreign culture or country. This ambiguity can create a fear of the unknown.

On the other hand, Indian families who recognize the caste system as an artificial excuse for social inequity have the opposite preference. They prefer to marry persons of differing caste and tend to avoid matches within the same caste. It is believed that intercaste marriages weaken the caste system. Such families are also often open to marriages across national borders.

Immigration

In many arranged marriages, one potential spouse may reside in a wealthy country and the other in a poorer country. For example, the man may be an American of Indian ancestry and the woman may be an Indian living in India who will move to America after the marriage. Alternately, the man or woman may be a citizen of the United States of America and the other person is in Russia or another country and is willing to move to the USA after the marriage. The arrangement may be accomplished by a business created for such a purpose.

Positive points

• The parents of the wealthy man may feel secure knowing that their son is to marry a person of their own country and traditional culture rather a woman corrupted by Western influences.
• The parents of the bride hope that their daughter enjoys a higher standard of living.
• Couples may enjoy the diversity in their respective backgrounds.

Negative points

• Couples may be incompatible due to cultural differences.
• The time window available for the entire process is narrow. Prospective brides must be lined up for a series of meetings when the man is able to take leave to travel to his home country. The decision must be finalised and the marriage registered before he leaves so that visa formalities for his wife can be commenced immediately. Sometimes two or three visits (over as many years) are required to sort out all the legal details.
• The two parties cannot directly meet without travelling to the other country. The upfront cost increases the pressure to make a decision yet less is known about the prospective mate because of the great distance separating the two.
• Limited choice: In some cases, the parents may mandate that the bride must originate from their son's home country.

See also Mail-order bride

Love or Logic?

A debate surrounds the question of the most appropriate way to find a partner for the purpose of marriage. The advantages of arranged marriage will be discussed at length. However, none of this discussion makes any difference to a person who has an emotional conviction that courtship is the best way to find a mate. Such an emotional conviction is unassailable by logic or argument.

Love

Amongst the arguments against arranged marriage, the two most prominent are:

• Arranged marriage is loveless. Some people abhor the prospect of being married someone they do not already love. However, this prospect not really worth worrying about as evidenced by many happily married people who claim that love grows in a marriage, even if the marriage does not start with love. Moreover, marriages based on romance are likely to fail due to the partners unreasonable expectations of each other and with the relationship having little room for improvement. Hence, the claim that arranged marriage is loveless is ultimately a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• Individuals are the best arbiters of their own lives. Let people make their own mistakes. Arranged marriage, if viewed in the narrow terms of individual rights and personal growth, is a great denial of self. This argument ignores the substantial asymmetry of knowledge about marriage between the person wishing to get married and the third-party. The parents or matchmaker likely have been married for more than 20 years whereas the person wishing to be married has no experience (at least for a first marriage). Hence, it is reasonable to believe that the parents or matchmaker can draw on their experience to the benefit of the person looking for a partner.

Logic

Needless to say, proponents of arranged marriage believe that individuals can be too easily influenced by the effects of love to make a logical choice.

Reduction or elimination of incompatibilities

Marital incompatibility has been found to be the major reason for divorce , some Asian writers (especially in India) suggest that arranged marriages might promote a higher probability of success because they tend to match persons with a compatible, but not necessary identical, profile (refer to the factors considered in matchmaking). The parents or matchmaker may draw from the experience of typically at least 20 years of married life to inform their judgment.

Low expectations

Neither the man nor the woman knows quite what to expect, and there is a lot of understandable trepidation on both sides. However, this often works out well because things turn out to be better than expected. After all, most incompatibilities were eliminated by the matchmaker and due diligence confirmed the suitability of the prospective spouse.

Lower divorce rates

Many proponents of arranged marriages point to the 0% to 4% percent divorce rate for arranged marriages in contrast with a 50% divorce rate for the United States. Although the numbers differ dramatically, this is an under-researched area and there are many possible explanations for the difference. For example, the divorce rate for love marriages in India is much lower than the divorce rate in the United States although the divorce rate for arranged marriages is even lower. Perhaps the traditional culture of India exerts pressure on couples to stay married, even if the partners selected each other by a process of courtship.

Issues Common to Both Arranged and Love Marriage

• Although cultures have built several safeguards against fraud (such as the family's reputation being at stake), there are instances where a key fact is left out during the process of the marriage, only to be learned afterwards. An example might be if one of the spouses has a medical condition that is not disclosed before marriage. Although the marriage may not have occurred had that condition been disclosed prior to marriage, it is very difficult to leave afterwards and there may be no legal recourse.

• Parents and other relatives who have been involved in the marriage arrangements have an emotional investment in the success of the marriage and form a valuable support group to the couple. If there are problems in the marriage, well-meaning elders may intervene to sort things out. Of course, this is a two-edged sword — outside interference can often make things worse between a couples.

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Say Cheese!!!

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring